August 29, 2003

(Today's list was originally published on October 5, 2001)


The Top 15 Tactics Used by Really Dumb Terrorists


15> In the ransom note, creatively substitute "sponge bath" for
"slow, painful death."

14> "...and if our demands are not met, David Arquette, Joan
Rivers and Don King will ALL meet gruesome ends!"

13> "If you don't immediately cease all meddling in the business
of other countries, I'll turn this car around!"

12> Insist on dress rehearsals for every suicide mission.

11> "You are a winner, George W. Bush!! You have won a fantastic
all-expense-paid trip for you and your family to the
vacation paradise Afghanistan."

10> Buy enough tickets to keep "Glitter" in theaters another week.

9> "Brothers and sisters, our years of meticulous planning and
training will pay off when we strike our glorious blow
against the Great Satan in front of a world television
audience, 5 minutes into the 2nd quarter of the 2002 XFL
championship game!"

8> In order to undermine democracy and make American leaders
appear weak, spread rumors that a national US political
figure has had extramarital sex.

7> "Drive this bus to Cuba! NOW!!"

6> Steal infidel's imperialist humor list; read it on infidel's
imperialist morning zoo radio funhouse -- without giving
credit.

5> Add LSD to San Francisco's water supply.

4> Having exhausted all their resources, all future attacks
will consist of one terrorist crouching behind you while
another pushes you backwards.

3> Threaten to detonate a doomsday weapon that will turn
North Dakota into a frozen, uninhabitable wasteland.

2> "...and we'll use a can of that Silly String stuff to tie
up the hostages."


and Topfive.com's Number 1 Tactic
Used by Really Dumb Terrorists...


1> "We are prepared to visit great harm upon your country's most
beloved military leader, Colonel Sanders."