Sunday, October 17, 2004

EXCERPTS FROM A DOGS DAILY DIARY:

8:00 am “ Oh, boy! Dog food! My Favorite!
9:30 am - Oh, boy! A car ride! My Favorite!
9:40 am - Oh, boy! A walk! My Favorite!
10:30 am - Oh, boy! Getting rubbed and petted! My Favorite!
11:30 am - Oh, boy! Dog food! My Favorite!
Noon - Oh, boy! The kids! My Favorite!
1:00 pm Oh, boy! The yard! My Favorite!
4:00 pm - Oh, boy! To the park! My Favorite!
5:00 pm - Oh, boy! Dog food! My Favorite!
5:30 pm - Oh, boy! Pretty mums! My Favorite!
6:00 pm - Oh, boy! Playing ball ! My Favorite!
6:30 pm - Oh, boy! Watching TV with my master! My Favorite!
8:30 Oh, boy! Sleeping in my masters bed! My Favorite!

EXCERPTS FROM A CATs DAILY DIARY:

Day 183 of My Captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get in ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill by captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking - almost succeeded; Must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. Must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm , not working according to plan. There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of allergies. Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant; he speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the high metal room his safety is assured. But I can only wait,; it is only a matter of time.....



1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly be removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for awhile, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.. Do NOT follow step 2.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache..

AND..... Sometimes we just need to remember what The Rules of Life really are: You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.

2 Comments:

At 2:28 AM, October 19, 2004, Blogger JH said...

From Jiahui: Hey lance, happy birthday!!!

 
At 4:39 AM, July 27, 2007, Blogger Shimmy said...

Yes, the dog is a halfwit.

But the bird is delicious.

 

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