October 1, 2003

(Today's list was originally published on November 8, 2001)


The Top 13 Biblical Passages We, Like, Totally Made Up


13> And Jesus said unto them, "Time for a kegger, dudes.
This is the will of the Lord!"

12> And then did Adam saith unto the Lord, "Yo, what can I get
for a rib?"

11> And the Lord said unto Cain, "Where is Abel thy brother?"
And Cain said, "I last saw him with a one-armed man!"

10> On the seventh day, He kicked back in his La-Z-Boy, cracked a
brew, and beholdeth the Packers as they verily covered the
spread.

9> And Christ spake unto them thus: "Why dost thou quarrel?
Is it not written that he who smelt it, dealt it?"

8> Commandment 11: Thou shalt not have sex with that woman,
Ms. Lewinsky.

7> "Lord, teach us to know the righteous from the wicked, so
that we may punish those who cast their eyes even slightly
from the path of God's will. And damn to Eternity those
who break even the least God's laws."
"You people are waaay too serious."

6> Then Mary saith unto Jesus, "My son, close thy door.
Were thou born in a barn?"

5> So God said to Noah: "Get thee an ark... for zero down,
zero percent interest, and no payments until next year."

4> Actually, thou shalt feel free to indulge in non-procreational
seed-spreading, provided thou covereth thy staff with latex.

3> And Shawn Kemp begat... well, let's just skip ahead here...

2> And Eve saw that she was naked, and she was ashamed. And Eve
said unto Adam, "Does this fig leaf make my ass look fat?"


and Topfive.com's Number 1 Biblical
Passage We, Like, Totally Made Up...


1> Thou only renteth the mead of the mountain Coors, thy body
eventually rendering unchanged its amber hue.