February 27, 2004

NOTE FROM CHRIS:

My dear TopFive readers, you are
simply NOT going to believe this.

Our archive librarian, Ms. Prifogle, stayed after
work last night and enjoyed a can or two of Schlitz
as she dug a little deeper into the TopFive stacks.

And guess what? She actually uncovered a single
list even *older* than the one we ran yesterday.

This is incredible news!

So to conclude our 10th anniversary week, here is
a list we first published FIFTY years ago, in 1954....




NOTE FROM CHRIS:

Senator Joe McCarthy has continued his efforts to
root out Communists by attempting to investigate the
U.S. Army. "But Chris," you ask, "How can I tell if
one of my fellow soldiers is a Communist infiltrator?"

No sweat, cool cats!


The Top 5 Signs Your Sergeant Is a Commie


16> "Now iss time for you to droppink and geef me of 20,
Comrade Maggot!"

15> That box of Cyrillic Alpha-Bits on his desk.

14> He plays a key role in implementing the programs of a highly
centralized organization that demands strict obedience of
its members while maintaining total control over their lives
and possessions.

13> He teaches his troops to fold the American flag in a "more
efficient" wadded-up shape.

12> Can't stand Ike.

11> His drill cadence: "From each according to his abi-li-ties;
to each according to his needs. Sound off...."

10> Your squad mascot is a bear in an ill-fitting eagle costume.

9> Likes the white and the blue just fine, but gets all
misty-eyed about the red.

8> His mouth may be screaming, "Keep your mama-wiped, baby-smooth
butts down, you maggots! That's live ammo we're firing!"
but his eyes are saying, "... live ammo purchased with the
ill-gotten gains of the military-industrial monopolies who
wipe their butts with the souls of the struggling proletariat."

7> Named his two dogs Spotovich and Fidovich.

6> Has no problem working with the Negro units!

5> Meant to say, "Have you no sense of decency, sir?" but instead
blurted out, "Have you no sense of proletariat oppression by
the bourgeoisie, sir?"

4> He believes Martin and Lewis discovered the Northwest Passage
with the help of Satchmo.

3> In the mess hall, he tries to liberate your Polish sausage.

2> Offers to trade you his uniform and rifle for an Elvis record
and two pairs of blue jeans.


and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign Your Sergeant Is a Commie...


1> Refers to Buffalo Bob's sidekick as "Howdy Doodsky."