A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation.
She's laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a
sheet over her. The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor
towards the operating room, where she leaves the girl on the
trolley outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is
ready. A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the
sheet up and starts examining her naked body. He puts the sheet
back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white
coat. The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the
same examinations. When a third man does the same thing, but
more closely, she grows impatient and says: "All these
examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to
start the operation?"

The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no
idea. We're just painting the corridor."
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Thanks to Mitch for that one.
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1. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians: "Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter.'"

2. Andy Rooney On Prisoners: Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece, I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run 12 hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.

3. Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener: My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. But, then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, and then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

4. Andy Rooney On Morning Differences: Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

5. Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls: You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever ! notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know." Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Says into phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." Very probably, this guy calls phone sex girls for $2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood."

6. Andy Rooney On Cripes: My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes' and 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be -- Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?

7. Andy Rooney On Grandma: My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

8. Andy Rooney On Answering Machines: Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: "Share the love." Beep. "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling.... Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love."

9. Andy Rooney on Research: Because over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research, it is believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections... who can't remember what to do with them.

Home Remedies

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply peeing in the sink.

4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache.


Sometimes we Just Need to Remember What The Rules of Life Really Are...

You need only two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.