October 1, 2003

(Today's list was originally published on November 8, 2001)


The Top 13 Biblical Passages We, Like, Totally Made Up


13> And Jesus said unto them, "Time for a kegger, dudes.
This is the will of the Lord!"

12> And then did Adam saith unto the Lord, "Yo, what can I get
for a rib?"

11> And the Lord said unto Cain, "Where is Abel thy brother?"
And Cain said, "I last saw him with a one-armed man!"

10> On the seventh day, He kicked back in his La-Z-Boy, cracked a
brew, and beholdeth the Packers as they verily covered the
spread.

9> And Christ spake unto them thus: "Why dost thou quarrel?
Is it not written that he who smelt it, dealt it?"

8> Commandment 11: Thou shalt not have sex with that woman,
Ms. Lewinsky.

7> "Lord, teach us to know the righteous from the wicked, so
that we may punish those who cast their eyes even slightly
from the path of God's will. And damn to Eternity those
who break even the least God's laws."
"You people are waaay too serious."

6> Then Mary saith unto Jesus, "My son, close thy door.
Were thou born in a barn?"

5> So God said to Noah: "Get thee an ark... for zero down,
zero percent interest, and no payments until next year."

4> Actually, thou shalt feel free to indulge in non-procreational
seed-spreading, provided thou covereth thy staff with latex.

3> And Shawn Kemp begat... well, let's just skip ahead here...

2> And Eve saw that she was naked, and she was ashamed. And Eve
said unto Adam, "Does this fig leaf make my ass look fat?"


and Topfive.com's Number 1 Biblical
Passage We, Like, Totally Made Up...


1> Thou only renteth the mead of the mountain Coors, thy body
eventually rendering unchanged its amber hue.

Induhvidual Tales
----------------------

Here are some inspirational tales of Induhviduals, submitted by
DNRC members. As usual, I suspect that many of them are either urban legend or lifted from past Dilbert Newsletters that I've forgotten. But that doesn't make them less funny.

--

My older sister was ranting about something and I commented, "You're acting pretty stupid, ya know?" Her defense? "I'm not acting!!!"

---

During a discussion of requirements for a new system we are developing, my manager stated that he wants "24 x 7 availability, 5 days a week!"

---

About a month ago, I was unable to avoid listening to a coworker in the next cube. He was on the phone talking to his wife about their son, and I heard, "He hit you? No, don't take that at all. Smack him if he hits you again." I wonder where his son learned how to resolve problems? Today I heard him talking to his wife about their daughter being in a fistfight. The mystery deepens.

---

In class, the teacher told us to answer questions one and two. A quick-thinking student needed more clarity and asked, "Is that one AND two, or one THROUGH two?"

---

We recently interviewed a job candidate who told us that the thing she liked least about her previous jobs was that she was "always getting written up." Her explanation for the write-ups included fighting with co-workers, being late, and making mistakes. I hope this was just a practice interview because she needs it!

---

In my high school biology class we somehow got on the topic of birth and the teacher mentioned that his father was the first premature baby in the state to have used an incubator. One Induhvidual raised his hand and asked, "Did he survive?"

---

While I was working my boss came up to me and asked "How much ink will it take for me to scan this into my computer?" I replied that I didn't know and that he should scan it in and see.

WHY MEN DIE FIRST

This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries...... but, now
we know.

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect
her from the rat race...you're a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework...you're a pansy.

If you work too hard...there's never any time for her.

If you don't work enough...you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay...this is exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay.....
you should get off your lazy behind and find
something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her.....that is favoritism.

If she gets a job ahead of you......it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks......it's sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet..........it's male indifference.

If you cry............you're a wimp.

If you don't........you're an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her.........
you're a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you......
she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy.......
that's domination.

If SHE asks you.........it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear...... you're a
pervert.

If you don't..............you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in
shape..............you're sexist.

If you don't.................you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape................you're vain.

If you don't................you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers.............you're after something.

If you don't....................you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements........ you're full of yourself.

If you don't....................you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache............she's tired.

If you have ! a headac he.............you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often.........you're oversexed.

If you don't..........there must be someone else.




Men die first because they want to.
============================

These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but least romantic second line:

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed



I thought that I could love no other,
Until, that is, I met your brother



Roses are red, violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
The sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.



Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face



Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not



I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.



I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!



My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life



I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming



My love, you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way



My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"



What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.