The 2003 Darwin Award Winners:





When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....


And now, the honorable mentions:


The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company.The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.


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A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.


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After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.


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An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.


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A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?) Hurricane Grad?


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A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A ****-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent.Then the snickers started. The security guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved with the words, "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a ****-up!"


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Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.


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As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."


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The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

> > >Q.) What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
> > >
> > >A.)Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't
>beat a blowjob.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
> > >
> > >A.)So men can be open minded.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >Q.) What's the speed limit of sex?
> > >
> > >A.)68 because at 69 you have to turn around.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >Q.) What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
> > >
> > >A.)The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
> > >
> > >A.)You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego...
> > >
> > >A.)"Is it in?"
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >Q.) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
> > >
> > >A.)One of his fingers is clean.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
> > >
> > >A.)Melt them down make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >Q.) What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
> > >
> > >A.)They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks,
>you're screwed.

August 29, 2003

(Today's list was originally published on October 5, 2001)


The Top 15 Tactics Used by Really Dumb Terrorists


15> In the ransom note, creatively substitute "sponge bath" for
"slow, painful death."

14> "...and if our demands are not met, David Arquette, Joan
Rivers and Don King will ALL meet gruesome ends!"

13> "If you don't immediately cease all meddling in the business
of other countries, I'll turn this car around!"

12> Insist on dress rehearsals for every suicide mission.

11> "You are a winner, George W. Bush!! You have won a fantastic
all-expense-paid trip for you and your family to the
vacation paradise Afghanistan."

10> Buy enough tickets to keep "Glitter" in theaters another week.

9> "Brothers and sisters, our years of meticulous planning and
training will pay off when we strike our glorious blow
against the Great Satan in front of a world television
audience, 5 minutes into the 2nd quarter of the 2002 XFL
championship game!"

8> In order to undermine democracy and make American leaders
appear weak, spread rumors that a national US political
figure has had extramarital sex.

7> "Drive this bus to Cuba! NOW!!"

6> Steal infidel's imperialist humor list; read it on infidel's
imperialist morning zoo radio funhouse -- without giving
credit.

5> Add LSD to San Francisco's water supply.

4> Having exhausted all their resources, all future attacks
will consist of one terrorist crouching behind you while
another pushes you backwards.

3> Threaten to detonate a doomsday weapon that will turn
North Dakota into a frozen, uninhabitable wasteland.

2> "...and we'll use a can of that Silly String stuff to tie
up the hostages."


and Topfive.com's Number 1 Tactic
Used by Really Dumb Terrorists...


1> "We are prepared to visit great harm upon your country's most
beloved military leader, Colonel Sanders."