The Top 10 Limericks About Saddam Hussein's Mustache


10> As we aimed all those surgical strikes
At the target of all our dislikes,
We grew slowly aware
That Saddam's facial hair
Was the lamest since, well, the Third Reich's.

9> Saddam once had sensitive skin
And no hair on his chinny-chin-chin.
But his lip was pubescent,
A real fertile crescent,
Where follicles quickly grew in.

8> The dictator ruling Iraq
Grew a mustache all shaggy and black.
A little while later
He lay in a crater,
As vultures approached for a snack.

7> "Dad's mustache exceeds any other!"
Cried young Uday to Qusay, his brother,
"It will always be there
Because thick facial hair
Is the one trait he shared with his mother."

6> In order to set an example,
Hussein was the right guy to trample.
Now his bushy mustache
And a bit of eyelash
Are what's left for his DNA sample.

5> Next to Hitler's, it's not trimmed as well.
More like Stalin's, as best I can tell.
Lenin, too, might dispute
Saddam's 'stache was a beaut.
They can argue about it in hell.

4> Saddam cut a figure quite charming --
Stalin-like, but perhaps less alarming.
His lip was hirsute,
Which he thought made him cute.
It's too bad that he wasn't disarming.

3> Samson's strength was dependent on hair.
Can Saddam Hussein's mustache compare?
We could tell our troops: "Wait!
Spend a buck ninety-eight --
You can rub out the bastard with Nair!"

2> While Saddam grew his 'stache with no trouble,
Not so lucky was Chuckie, his double.
Though Hussein in his wrath
Threw Rogaine in the Baath,
He could still hardly sprout more than stubble.


and Topfive.com's Number 1 Limerick
About Saddam Hussein's Mustache...


1> Saddam, now most likely "the late,"
Suffered one final, humbling fate:
His mustache ditched his lip
Like a rat from a ship,
And was seen crawling south t'wards Kuwait.

i blow my nose at you! go and boil your bottom, you silly pigdogs!

pop quiz.

if i buy 10kg of rice, i'm short $3. if i buy 5kg, i've got $1 extra. how much does a kilo of rice cost?

what i want to know is whether you can solve this without using simultaneous equations. thing is that is a pri 3 standard question and i'm quite sure simultaneous equations'd be beyond a 9 year old's comprehension. so does anyone have an easier method then?


i'm sure there is one. a dead obvious one. one that'll make me smack myself in the forehead and go "doh!".

but that's what 12 years of math does to you.

muahahaha. a cautionary note on the effects of beer goggles...


Six of the seven dwarfs were sitting around the house one day when Sleepy rushed in and said, "Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!"

Everyone got all excited and chanted, "We finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask him."

The next day, they were all standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six. All the other six started pushing Dopey and saying, "Go ahead, Dopey, ask him, ask him!"

The Pope looked at Dopey and asked, "Do you have a question to ask me, young man?"

Dopey looked up shyly and said, "Well, yes."

The Pope told him to go ahead and ask.

Dopey asked, "Well, do....do they have nuns in Alaska?"

The Pope replied, "Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska."

The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, "Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!"

The Pope asked Dopey if there was more to his question, and Dopey continued, "Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?"

To which the Pope replied, "Well, my son, I think there must be a few black nuns in Alaska, yes."

Still not satisfied, the others kept saying, "Ask him the last part, Dopey, ask him the last part!"

The Pope asked Dopey, "Is there still more to your question?"

To which Dopey replied, "Well, uh, yeah.....are there, uh, are there any midget black nuns in Alaska?"

The startled Pope replied, "Well, no, my son, I really don't think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska."

At this, Dopey turned all kinds of colors, and the others started laughing, and yelling, "Dopey f u c k e d a penguin, Dopey f u c k e d a penguin!"

The Five Stages Of Drunk:

Provided as a public service, so that on the upcoming holiday,
you don't have to experience these stages yourself, at least
not all of them!

Stage 1 - SMART
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in
the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to
pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this
stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are
talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting
argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING
This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person
in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to
a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to
talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can
talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the
world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored
truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this
stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all
your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will
also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST
LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone
especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing.
This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to
the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits
or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you
are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can
do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table
to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the
people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to
the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the
street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see
or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the
words.

pickled poptarts - that's what's for dinner.

If I Ever Happen To Become An Evil Overlord,

[i forgot the numbers way back when so lets just forget about it]. after i kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.


i will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like nazi stormtroopers, roman footsoldiers, or savage mongol hordes. all were eventually defeated and i want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

when i say "talented fashion designer", though, i do not mean the haute couture gang. while the sight of my Legions of Teror dressed in see-through taffeta would undoubtedly be worth the cost, i am not so far gone as to ignore practicality - butchering helpess innocents is a messy business, and do you know how hard it is to get rid of blood stains from taffeta? the dry cleaning bill alone would drive me out of business.

perhaps just on casual fridays.

confirmed that i'll be leaving on the 23rd.

almost confirmed that i'll be quarantined starting monday.

confirmed that that stinks.

we'll also be confined for 10 days upon arriving in tw - two weekends burnt! but on the other hand there won't be any flying done during that period, so we'll be in oz a bit longer to make up for it. the confinement bit might be a bad thing, though, because i imagine they won't let us lobo the whole time away, but rather extend the ground school / mass briefs from the usual 2 days, so that it spans the entire 10 day length. and if they do that, the nasty instructors will expect more from us in the air, which would be bad.

but then again...although we're supposed to arrive in tw with zilch knowledge, its an open secret that we get notes to study while we're in spore. which results in the slightly silly situation whereby the instructors on the antipodean side know that we know stuff about flying, but they're not supposed to know. at least officially. and we're not supposed to tell them that the seniors here have told us what to expect there. but they compensate by giving you only 2 days of ground school before throwing you in the cockpit.

which reminds me -
Q: what do a woman and an aircraft have in common?
A: they both have a cockpit!

bada-bing!

about the nasty instructors...on the ground they're supposed to be pretty ok guys. but once in the air they become mean - they purposely make you feel like the biggest idiot this side of oz to see whether you can take the pressure. supposedly some of the female trainees can't hack it and start crying. hehehe...some of their mannerisms and the stuff they say ( the senior courses have told us all about them ) are really quite funny, though. as long as you're not on the receiving end, i suppose.

i would just like to reiterate that having to be quarantined sucks. i mean, during the day we're still going to come into contact with people who've been outside and got all SARS'd. so the whole quarantine thing is really so the higher-ups can cover their asses, the asses...

these are specially for weewee... ;-p


1. How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.

4. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

5. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Sinko.

6. What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.


7. What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire?
Frostbite.

8.What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

9. Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

10. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

11. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

12.What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

13. What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

14. What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

15. How Are A Texas Tornado And A Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna ! Lose A T railer....

'Pity Me', Begs Northern English Village
Mon May 5,10:22 AM ET

By Gideon Long

PITY ME, England (Reuters) - "Pity Me," pleads the signpost welcoming visitors to this northern English village.

And as trucks rumble past on the road to Newcastle while a brisk wind whips through the industrial estate, it is difficult not to.

Pity Me, in County Durham, is one of dozens of oddly named villages in northern England -- legacies of the region's rich mix of linguistic influences.

Just down the road is the village of No Place, while over the Pennine hills in Cumbria is Great Cockup.

Further north, in Northumberland, Blakehopeburnhaugh boasts the longest place name in England.

Residents of Cottonshopeburnfoot, a short walk up the valley, point out that their village's name is longer by a single letter, but officials have ruled it should be spelt as two words -- Cottonshopeburn Foot.

No one knows what, if anything, was once brewed in the Northumbrian town of Once Brewed, or indeed in the neighboring village of Twice Brewed.

Further south, Yorkshire boasts the villages of Crackpot, Fangfoss, Scagglethorpe, Blubberhouses, Slape Wath, Wetwang and Great Fryup -- a name which for most Britons conjures up images of sizzling bacon, sausages and fried eggs.

Pity Me is one of several English place names which testify to the influence of French, imported to Britain after the Norman invasion of 1066.

The village was thought to have been sited on a small lake, and took its name from Petit Mere, the French for Little Sea.

"A more fanciful suggestion is that Saint Cuthbert's coffin was dropped here by wandering monks on their way to Durham," local historian David Simpson writes on his Web Site www.thenortheast.fsnet.co.uk, which includes an exhaustive study of the origins of northern England's colorful place names.

"The miracle-working saint is said to have pleaded with the monks to be more careful and take pity on him."

Dalton-le-Dale, Chester-le-Street, Hetton-le-Hole and Haughton-le-Skerne provide further evidence of Norman French influence on northern England's names.

Crackpot takes its name from the Old English word for a crow, "kraka" and the Viking word "pot," Simpson says.

"A pot was usually a cavity or deep hole, often in the bed of a river, but in Crackpot's case refers to a rift in the limestone," he writes.

Great Fryup has nothing to do with cooked breakfasts but means simply the big valley belonging to Freya.

"Freya was an Old Norse personal name and also the name of the Norse goddess of fertility," Simpson says.

Blakehopeburnhaugh is of Anglo-Saxon origin and means "black valley stream with flat riverside land" while Wham, in County Durham, is thought to take its name from an Old Norse word Hvammr, meaning a short valley surrounded by high ground.

No one knows quite how No Place came by its name but its residents are fond of it.

In 1983, the local authority tried to rename the village Cooperative Villas -- a bright idea that provoked such a wave of scorn from the villagers that it was hastily dropped.

Israeli Cop Mistakenly Undressed, Fondled at Party
Mon May 5,10:27 AM ET


JERUSALEM (Reuters) - An Israeli policeman responding to neighbors' complaints about a rowdy hen party received an unexpected welcome at the door when revelers mistook him for a stripper and began to take off his clothes and stroke him.

"The women had ordered a stripper dressed as a police officer," national police spokesman Gil Kleiman said on Monday.

The policeman showed the women his badge but they thought it was part of the act. He was extricated only after his partner came up and vouched for his identity, Kleiman said.

"She took off my shirt and untied my shoelaces," the officer was quoted by the Yedioth Ahronoth daily as saying about one of the partygoers. "She started stroking me and called on her friends to join in."


right. and naturally the big, strong officer, whose job scope includes stopping ravening hordes of palestinian terrorists - pardon me, freedom fighters - couldn't stop them!

Oddly Enough - Reuters
Information with a Beat
Fri May 2, 8:18 AM ET


LONDON (Reuters) - Iraq (news - web sites)'s former Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, whose colorful daily briefings earned him cult status during the Gulf War (news - web sites), is to take Britain's night clubs by storm.

Record producers are planning to record a dance track sampling some of his most popular catch-phrases.

"It is set to be massive," one of the track's backers Les Molloy told The Sun newspaper on Friday. "There has already been a lot of interest from record stations and club DJs."

With his trademark beret and sly smile, Sahaf astonished Western television viewers by appearing each day behind a sea of microphones often to deny events viewers could see on their television screens.

He regularly berated British and American troops as "infidels" and vowed "God will roast their stomachs in hell."

now this i must hear.


and. "infidels"? one of his rather more...tame, offerings, eh? what about "bush and his international gang of bastards"? how about that?

singapore, incidentally, as a member of the cheesy "coalition of the willing" ( undoubtedly so named in order to make things sound less like half the world hates dubya ) is part of that gang of bastards. finally! international recognition!

What Drink Are You?

Which Sesame Street Muppet Are You?

evisulli: it's all part of the optimism shmuck, my friend.

quivalen: schmuck?
i think you're using it wrongly. *you're* a schmuck. the bikini is part of the optimism *schtick*.
schyou schilly schmuck.

evisulli: shmuck. shtick. schwhatever.

quivalen: there's a schubtle schdifference.


tell me i'm right. its "schtick", isn't it?

i'm getting into a real monty python downloading jag here. just finished watching monty python's life of brian. its pretty good - if you lot weren't illiterate monkeys, i'd recommend you go download it. but you all being the way you are, i suppose you'll just have to go back to tossing monkeychunks at each other.

i suppose it could be pretty fun.
if you were a monkey.

useless little nugget of information which you can nevertheless try to impress friends with, thereby making this sentence contradict itself: the tune from the nike ad? always look on the bright side of life? well that comes from the life of brian.

here's a howler!

There were two airline ailots who got to talking on a trans-atlantic flight. The captain was Jewish, and the co-pilot was Chinese. It was the first time they had flown together, and it was obvious by the silence that they didn't care for each other.

After thirty minutes, the Captain finally spoke. He said, "I don't like Chinese."

The co-pilot replied, "Ooooh, no like Chinese? Why dat?"

The pilot said, "You guys bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese."

The co-pilot said, "Nooooo, noooo .... Chinese no bomb Pearl Harbah. JAPANESE bomb Pearl Harbah."

The pilot answered, "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese... it doesn't matter. You're all alike!"

Another thirty minutes of silence ensued. Finally, the co-pilot said, "I no like Jew."

The pilot replied, "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?" "Jews sink Titanic."

The pilot tried to correct him, "No, no. The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg."

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg... no mattah... all same to us!"

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q. How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A. Kick his sister in the jaw.



The dentist was called away from the dinner table to take an urgent phone call. It was Mr. Tuckerman, explaining that young Junior had gotten himself into quite a fix.

"See, he was kissing his girlfriend, and when my wife and I came back from the movies we found them stuck together."

"I'll come right over, Mr. Tuckerman," said the dentist calmly, "and don't worry about a thing. I have to unlock teenagers' braces all the time."

Mr. Tuckerman whispered, "Yes, but from an IUD?"

met my sec sch friends for the first time in quite a while yesterday. we used to meet pretty regularly in jc but all that's been shot to pieces lately 'cos of ns, though.

so we went to watch x-men. i heard the full title of the movie is x-men2: x-men united or sth like that but i guess the producers realised how cheesy it was 'cos they didn't put that title in the movie. smart move. we wouldn't have managed to get tickets but we managed to snag some prime seats when they released the uncollected reservations. muahahaha. revenge for our having to sit through the fellowship of the ring in the first friggin' row back in 2001 when the ticketing fascists released our reservations 'cos we were all of 3 minutes late.

i hope the poor, late suckers whose tickets we pinched enjoyed their first row seats, then. *eg*

movie was quite ok i suppose, considering i'm not an x-men fan. actually i've never read a single comic of theirs before. the x-chicks are babes. with the exception of rogue, who could do with a little less icecream.

hmm. i just had an incredibly disgusting, yet perversely fascinating thought - wouldn't it be cool to see magneto and professor x get it on?
or is that just my fetish for bald old men talki......

uhm. subject change!

right. so after that we had dinner at nydc. mudpie. mmmmmm. ( attn yan: it isn't really made of mud! :-p ) then i joined the 4 witches at starbucks for a bit. they were incredibly embarrassing to be with, as usual.

i really must remember to bring a paper bag to hide my head in next time...