so yesterday i went for the smu interview.

"interview", incidentally, is a misnomer. what happens is they give you a choice of three essays to do in half an hour. i chose

"what do the following lines mean to you?

the east is red
the west is blue.
elvis is dead
confucius too."

i seriously considered answering "nothing. absolutely nothing.".
ah well.

then there was this discussion / debate with two professors and 5 other applicants based on a newspaper article, about the rich choosing lower class wards in hospital. i quoted karl marx, hah! go me!


in other news: i am seriously sleep-deprived. on thursday night when i was driving back from lim chu kang on the expressway i found myself veering into the next lane 3 times because i fell asleep at the wheel. we've had no more than 5.5 hours of sleep per night, every night, this whole week, with an entire day's training in between, absolutely no time to relax. last night i had 3 hours only. the way things are going on, something is going to happen sooner or later.

note from lance: i've swiped this from popaghandi.com without the knowledge of the author - avast! prepare to be boarded! arrr!

to assuage my guilt somewhat, i recommend you ( especially you, blob ) visit - she is an excellent writer.




Inbox
We do not forget the civic-minded public that reads the Straits Times everyday and writes in to "air their views", to cringe-worthy effect, displaying much skill in syllogism and logical fallacies in the process.

'A whole generation of female smokers is being created. In time to come, women who smoke like men will die like men. Such irony, in the name of women's liberty, equality and progress! A whole generation of women are going to die prematurely from lung and other smoking-related cancers. A whole generation of passive-smoking children will grow up in homes with two smoking parents... The Government should ban tobacco, just like it banned chewing gum. Is the harm created by chewing-gum litter greater than that caused by smoking?'

Can I scream yet? This letter writer deserves an award simply for being able to squeeze so many leaps of logic into one letter. ("In time to come, women who smoke like men will die like men... ... Such irony, in the name of women's liberty, equality and progress... Is the harm created by chewing-gum litter greater than that caused by smoking?")
Granted, the occasional lovely article or two from Janadas Devan makes it a little better. But not enough.

I'd rather read the North Korean news service - which is at least, proud of its syllogistic leanings with pronouncements like "Intolerable is Japan's perfidious act of reneging on its commitments with other countries. Clear is the stand of the DPRK. It will never make any deal with Japan nor expect any solution so long as it shows no good faith, recoiling from its commitments. Japan should fulfil its commitment and behave in good faith, clearly understanding the principled stand of the DPRK."

It seems we share journalistic abilities as well as political patterns with the hermit kingdom!




Thrill Of The Chaste

'He says he and his wife enjoy a level of emotional security which would be difficult to achieve had they given in to pre-marital sex. "There are no flashbacks of sexual experiences with previous partners. When you make love, it is fully with your spouse and your spouse only. It's totally exclusive," he says..'

'In the three years that the 29 year old administration and shipping executive has dated Nur Idayu Mohamed, 24, he has never kissed her. The furthest he has gone is holding her hands... But the two devout Muslims say their relationship is anything but lacklustre... "She is soft-spoken, lady-like and religious. I can see her as the mother of my kids." '

'Two years ago, halfway through a screening of Gangs of New York, he and a few friends walked out of the cinema when a nude scene came on. "Scenes like that aren't good influences".. They have vowed to remain virgins until they get married next year...'

It gets better.
'two months ago, while alone at his home, they nearly crossed the boundary. She says: "We weren't on the brink of it, but it could have led to more things. Then, Kevin stopped in his tracks and we decided we'd better leave the house quickly.'
It makes you wonder: perhaps, they were - hold your breath for it - holding hands?

It's never so clear-cut as the newspapers put it.
Not everyone is thrilled by the chaste: a few days ago, a straight girlfriend of mine recounted her anguish at having a prudish boyfriend, to hilarious effect. She said - "He desperately wants to prove he is a staunch Catholic. Of course he lapses, but always insists on remaining technically a virgin - at times I feel like I'm going out with a lesbian, if you know what I mean. Though you're going to tell me they can do the same thing but it's never quite the same, you get the idea."



2) Shappi Khorsandi was a riot.
"I have a problem with the Israelis about their occuption."
(Pregnant pause)
"... of the Eurovision Music Awards. Everytime my Jewish friend comes to London and they ask, 'occupation?' - and she has to say, 'no, just the Eurovision Music Awards.' "
"I wonder what it'd be like if they had a Middle East music award.
'Now, the contestant from Iraq..' - '(hums) Allah..'
'The contestant from Syria..' - '(hums) Allah...'
'The contestant from Iran..' - '(mute; subtitles) We would really love to sing but we are forbidden to by the Ayatollah.' "

"Everyone goes to India to find themselves.
Ever wondered where young Indian people go to find themselves?
- Birmingham."

February 27, 2004

NOTE FROM CHRIS:

My dear TopFive readers, you are
simply NOT going to believe this.

Our archive librarian, Ms. Prifogle, stayed after
work last night and enjoyed a can or two of Schlitz
as she dug a little deeper into the TopFive stacks.

And guess what? She actually uncovered a single
list even *older* than the one we ran yesterday.

This is incredible news!

So to conclude our 10th anniversary week, here is
a list we first published FIFTY years ago, in 1954....




NOTE FROM CHRIS:

Senator Joe McCarthy has continued his efforts to
root out Communists by attempting to investigate the
U.S. Army. "But Chris," you ask, "How can I tell if
one of my fellow soldiers is a Communist infiltrator?"

No sweat, cool cats!


The Top 5 Signs Your Sergeant Is a Commie


16> "Now iss time for you to droppink and geef me of 20,
Comrade Maggot!"

15> That box of Cyrillic Alpha-Bits on his desk.

14> He plays a key role in implementing the programs of a highly
centralized organization that demands strict obedience of
its members while maintaining total control over their lives
and possessions.

13> He teaches his troops to fold the American flag in a "more
efficient" wadded-up shape.

12> Can't stand Ike.

11> His drill cadence: "From each according to his abi-li-ties;
to each according to his needs. Sound off...."

10> Your squad mascot is a bear in an ill-fitting eagle costume.

9> Likes the white and the blue just fine, but gets all
misty-eyed about the red.

8> His mouth may be screaming, "Keep your mama-wiped, baby-smooth
butts down, you maggots! That's live ammo we're firing!"
but his eyes are saying, "... live ammo purchased with the
ill-gotten gains of the military-industrial monopolies who
wipe their butts with the souls of the struggling proletariat."

7> Named his two dogs Spotovich and Fidovich.

6> Has no problem working with the Negro units!

5> Meant to say, "Have you no sense of decency, sir?" but instead
blurted out, "Have you no sense of proletariat oppression by
the bourgeoisie, sir?"

4> He believes Martin and Lewis discovered the Northwest Passage
with the help of Satchmo.

3> In the mess hall, he tries to liberate your Polish sausage.

2> Offers to trade you his uniform and rifle for an Elvis record
and two pairs of blue jeans.


and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign Your Sergeant Is a Commie...


1> Refers to Buffalo Bob's sidekick as "Howdy Doodsky."

February 26, 2004

(Today's list was originally published on February 3, 1999)


The Top 13 Miracles Not Mentioned in the Bible


13> The Plague of the Hickeys

12> The Parting of Don King's Hair

11> And in these gospels did many sentences begin with the word
"And," yet the Net-Grammarians remained silent.

10> The Near-Perfect Slicing of the Pringles

9> Awkward teenage Jesus swinging a date with Nazareth High's
head cheerleader.

8> "Moses then parted the red cheeks and let forth a blast
which halted the Egyptians in their path."

7> First Try: Jesus turns water into Earl Grey tea.

6> "Water into Wine" and "Loaves and Fishes" were pretty good,
but "Oregano into Primo Mexican Weed" was *truly* impressive.

5> The Supersizing of the Multitude under the Golden Arches

4> Moses' mother letting him wander around the desert for
forty years without calling or visiting her in Miami Beach
even once.

3> Methuselah wedding Anna Nicole Smith at the age of 893.

2> Apprentice Savior Marvin helping a blind man to hear.


and Topfive.com's Number 1 Miracle Not Mentioned in the Bible...


1> Jesus becoming a brown-haired, blue-eyed Caucasian, despite
having been born a Middle Eastern Jew.