happy easter

"The Swiss voted Sunday to join the United Nations, moving their country warily but decisively closer to the international community after centuries of neutrality and independence." — L.A. Times, March 4, 2002

TORMENTED BY NEW U.N. CLASSMATES,
SWITZERLAND ALREADY WANTS TO GO HOME
"Everybody's Mean to Me, and the Food Sucks," Says Tiny Nation's Ambassador

New York, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) Update — Picked on by bullies like the United States and China, and constantly taunted by its other new peers as "Neutrality Boy," Switzerland, which Sunday decided to join the United Nations, is already regretting its decision, and wants to go home.
Swiss ambassadors shorts up flag pole

"This isn't a community of nations, it's a zoo," said the Swiss ambassador after a voting bloc of central African nations ran his boxer shorts up a flagpole.

According to U.N. school nurse Martha Kelly, the Swiss ambassador to the U.N. has visited her office no less than three times in the past 24 hours, twice complaining of a stomach ache, and once sporting a pair of black eyes.

"I think the tummy aches are just nerves; you know, the new kid worrying about not fitting in," said Kelly. "But when I asked him who hit him, he wouldn't say, the poor dear. It's not my place, but I'm betting it was that Wang Ying-Fan, (China's U.N. ambassador). That boy is trouble. Always picking on the little ones."

However, the Swiss ambassador, Francois Nordmann, refused to fill out an incident report, and U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan sloughed off Switzerland's apparent run-ins with peers as just, "diplomats being diplomats. I'm sure they'll sort it out themselves."

In a sorrowful letter home, however, Nordmann pleaded to have someone come and get him. "It's awful here," he wrote. "They put me in the same dorm room with Germany, and right away, their ambassador says, 'Hey, Mr. Impartial Pants, you're finally going to take sides. You're going support me as a permanent member of the Security Council!'

"Then he short-sheeted my bed and stole all my Ricola," Nordmann added.

The Swiss ambassador found it no easier outside, where relentless South American diplomats teased Nordmann about being popular with babies, since he was a "such a big pacifier," while a voting bloc of central African nations ran his underwear up a flagpole and declared Nordmann the ambassador of Sissyland. But the most harrowing incident took place at recess.

"I was talking with Kamalesh Sharma, (India's ambassador to the U.N.), whom I had met on the train," Nordstrom wrote, "when (Chinese Ambassador) Wang comes swaggering up and sneers, 'Hey Switzerland, you're getting off to a bad start, making friends with losers. Maybe I should teach you a lesson.'"

Nordmann tried to diffuse the situation, nervously explaining that Switzerland would not technically be a member until the fall, and even then would not declare anyone as "friend" or "enemy," but would continue to covet neutrality, as it has since the 1815 Treaty of Paris.

"But I don't think Wang could hear me," Nordmann wrote, "because all these guys from the Balkans were standing around us yelling 'Fight! Fight! Fight!'"

Fortunately, U.S. Ambassador John Negroponte walked up at that moment, and told Wang to leave the Swiss alone. According to Nordmann, Wang glared at the U.S. ambassador and made a snide comment about "someone getting too big for his trade deficit," but eventually skulked off.

Nordmann thanked the U.S. ambassador for his help, and in return received a slip of paper and a sly wink. Nordmann then asked Sharma what the paper was for.

"It's how the U.S. expects you to vote," Sharma explained. "Everybody gets those."

According to witnesses, moments later Nordmann was punched in the left eye by the Pakistani ambassador, who was upset that the Swiss was talking to an Indian. Nordmann then reportedly asked the Indian ambassador to punch him in the other eye, so as not to appear to be playing favorites.

RECOMMEND
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Copyright © 2002, SatireWire.

have i posted this before? old but still good...

ANGERED BY SNUBBING, LIBYA, CHINA
SYRIA FORM AXIS OF JUST AS EVIL
Cuba, Sudan, Serbia Form Axis of Somewhat Evil; Other Nations Start Own Clubs

Beijing (SatireWire.com) — Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of his State of the Union address.
Membership closed

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as Evil... in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils... best at being evil... we're the best."

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil.

"They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.

"An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool."

THE AXIS PANDEMIC

International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.

Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable.

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America, while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the Axis of Countries That Sometimes Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick.

"That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.
Buy SatireWire's new book!

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in "Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.

Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately, world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.

Copyright © 2002, SatireWire.

Eccentric Britain Gets Its Marbles Rolling
Thu Apr 17, 9:59 AM ET
Add Oddly Enough - Reuters to My Yahoo!

By Jeremy Lovell

LONDON (Reuters) - Britain's annual orgy of odd behavior picks up tempo on Friday with a world class display of knuckling down and cabbaging.



The British and World Marbles Championship -- held at the Greyhound Inn at Tinsley Green, West Sussex, south of London, for the past 70 years -- will pit 23 teams of six players in tense competition for the coveted title and silver trophy.

But this year it is a match with an edge after a German team snatched the top prize in 2002.

"The Germans won last year and we are determined to get the trophy back this year," championship organizer Sam McCarthy told Reuters on Thursday.

The winning team which knuckles down -- shoots from the correct position -- and does not commit the heinous crime of cabbaging -- cheating -- will get the title, a cup and a marble each to take home.

The origins of the event, in which downing liberal quantities of alcohol is encouraged, are lost in time but reputedly date back to a 16th century competition between two local men for the affections of a village maiden.

But for Britons, considered by many to be a nation of professional eccentrics, the time-honored sport of marbles is but a starting point.

Three days later and 250 km further north in the village of Osset in West Yorkshire ambitious males race each other over two kilometers carrying a sack of coal to win 100 pounds ($150) and a cup -- but not the coal.

There follows a peculiar parade of Easter egg rolling, lawn mower racing, worm charming, cheese rolling, nettle eating, lying and mud racing to name but a few.

The competitive instructions for the annual international worm charming championships at Totnes in Devon stipulate clearly that during the warm-up period no worms should be eaten.

They also insist that after the competition, participants must leave the field of battle in a sober manner.

The British summer provides the perfect backdrop for rolling cheeses from the majestic Stilton to the muscular Gloucester.

Toe-wrestling and snail racing also feature during these halcyon days of June.

And if it is late August in Wane Rydd Bog at Llantrwyd Wells in mid-Wales then it must be the annual international competition with the self explanatory title of Bog Snorkelling.

Later, as the British rain turns cooler toward the northern hemisphere autumn and winter, Britons in Cumbria indulge in telling lies to each other competitively.

Last year's winner George Kemp retained the title for the second year running with a tale of trying to get to the Isle of Man TT races on a wooden motorbike.

Later still, as winter sets in, the people of Maldon in Essex opt to race in the freezing mud of the River Blackwater.

And at the stroke of midnight on December 31, deep in the dark winter in Stonehaven, north eastern Scotland, the locals indulge in the age-old tradition of whirling balls of fire about their heads as they stroll through the town.


these are the people who built an empire? but the lying contest sounds like it'd be a gas, though...

it suddenly dawned on me that i can tell people - in all honesty - that i work at al qaeda.

now of course i'm waiting for exactly why i'd want to do that to dawn on me.

"pimp" by 50 cent is good. "21 questions" isn't bad too. i'm going to download more 50 cent now...

World - AP Asia
N. Korea Makes Gesture to S. Korea
1 hour, 1 minute ago

By JAE-SUK YOO, Associated Press Writer

SEOUL, South Korea - North Korea on Saturday proposed high-level talks with South Korea, apparently offering an olive branch a day after it threw planned negotiations with the United States in doubt with confusing claims about reprocessing spent nuclear fuel for atomic weapons.


mental image: kim jong il giving roh moo hyun the finger and going "neh!"

on the mrt yesterday i saw a chick squeezing her guy's zit. i suppose that's love, huh.
they must be the kind of people who're into sweaty barnyard sex, too.

would you squeeze your bitch / dude's pimple for them, then?

and it seems the vj carnival has been cancelled, according the school website. eh...they suck lah. they had better use our money more wisely than they did on the crummy auditorium and lt5.

i'm thinking of getting a digital camera. i want to bring a camera to tamworth, for one. and my present camera is like the epitome of idiot-proof-point-n-shoot. totally no features ( the manufacturers were probably banking on the "revolutionary 2-watt flash!" as a major selling point ). but then again it was free and i suppose it takes reasonable photos at close range. but it still sucks! plus i like having photos anyway. and. since digital cameras can get pretty small, and shots are free, you could bring it with you anywhere. so i could have brought it along last night...*eg*. last night was a heckuva night. but definitely not in the way you think. ;-p

so. anyone know about them? like, any buying tips or whatnot?

A Tribute to Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf

Wisdom of the Ages

"they are nowhere near the airport ..they are lost in the desert...they can not read a compass...they are retarded."

"Who are in control, they are not in control of anything - they don't even control themselves!"

"We are not afraid of the Americans. Allah has condemned them. They are stupid. They are stupid" (dramatic pause) "and they are condemned."

"Faltering forces of infidels cannot just enter a country of 26 million people and lay besiege to them! They are the ones who will find themselves under siege. Therefore, in reality whatever this miserable Rumsfeld has been saying, he was talking about his own forces. Now even the American command is under siege."

"Our estimates are that none of them will come out alive unless they surrender to us quickly."

[On surrenders] "Those are not Iraqi soldiers at all. Where did they bring them from?"

"Blair...is accusing us of executing British soldiers. We want to tell him that we have not executed anybody. They are either killed in battle, most of them get killed because they are cowards anyway, the rest they just get captured."

"They fled. The American louts fled. Indeed, concerning the fighting waged by the heroes of the Arab Socialist Baath Party yesterday, one amazing thing really is the cowardice of the American soldiers. we had not anticipated this."

"We will slaughter them, Bush Jr. and his international gang of bastards!"

"They are retreating on all fronts. Their military effort is a subject of laughter throughout the world."

"Those Iraqi fighters are slapping those gangsters on the face, and then when they flee, they will kick their backsides."

"We have shot down 2 Apache helicopters. Have the Americans said yet that they were shot down by their - what do they call it - friendly fire? No? Well... [dramatic pause, then smiles] ...not yet!"

"They are not in Najaf. They are nowhere. They are on the moon. They are snakes in the desert..."

"The United Nations....[is] a place for prostitution under the feet of Americans." - perhaps not altogether untrue...

and MSS's first - and only - truthful statement: "I speak better English than this villain Bush"


but what will he do now that "The progress of the war is so satisfactory, as several million infidel troops have killed themselves at the walls of baghdad and allah is roasting the stomachs of the rest in hell, that we see no longer any need for press briefings."?

suggestions:



all from

this afternoon we had a fascinating discussion in the classroom ( more accurately, 'aviation lecture room', actually ) about the relative merits of homo sapiens with differing anthropological considerations, specifically, those of pan-indian origin vis-a-vis those of...well actually we sat around and told racist jokes.

but anyway, we all know which is more fun. anthropology, of course! pity the motley crue over there aren't fellow intellectuals. :-p but as ernest hemingway said, "an intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.". same logic.

and besides, i learnt how to say "your father has no dick, because your uncle bit it off" in tamil!

sometimes i really wonder how they come up with lyrics like these -

And you should love it, way more then you hate it
Nigga you mad? I thought that you'd be happy I made it
I'm that cat by the bar toasting to the good life
You that faggot ass nigga trying to pull me back right?
When my junk get to pumpin in the club it's on
I wink my eye at ya bitch, if she smiles she gone
If the roof on fire, let the motherfucker burn
If you talking bout money homie, I ain't concerned
I'm a tell you what Banks told me cause go 'head switch the style up
If the niggas hate then let 'em hate
Watch the money pile up
Or we go upside there wit a bottle of bub
You know where we fucking be

or does it come naturally to, like, niggas in the 'hood, homeboy! huh?

talkingcock.com's latest survey. look which answer comes out a country mile ahead...hehehehe.

Do you support Singapore's position in the US-Iraq War?

Don’ch know what you mean 0.48 % (2)
Clue, please? 0.73 % (3)
How can? This question not in syllabus one! 13.08 % (54)
Yes, if our Gahmen says so, it must be corright 3.63 % (15)
Yes, if the US helps us invade Malaysia next 52.06 % (215)
No, I support Man United 10.41 % (43)
If answer wrong, can balik or not? 3.87 % (16)
Yes! The doggie position is my favourite! 9.69 % (40)
Is this my final answer? 6.05 % (25)

Total Votes: 413

An elderly Californian lady did her shopping and when returning to her car, found 4 males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I've gotta gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car, you scum bags!"

The 4 men didn't wait for a second invitation, so got out and ran like the devil, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked 3 spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter, and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car-jacking by a crazy pensioner described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and white wispy hair, carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

April 15, 2003


(Today's list was originally published on May 16, 2001)


The Top 16 Lines You'll Never Hear in a Western
(Part I)


16> "As your attorney, I must strongly advise you against
participating in that showdown in the middle of town.
The liability issues are staggering."

15> "Well me, the construction worker, and my sailor buddy are
here to tell y'all, it's *fun* to go to the YMCA!"

14> "Take it from me, Festus, a good pair o' nylons keeps the
chaps from riding up."

13> "Barkeep! Another round of Slippery Nipples for my posse."

12> "Miss Kitty, I don't think I've ever seen stirrups used quite
like that before."

11> "In this town we got a way to deal with murderin' scum like
you, Bart -- civil litigation!"

10> "Whose turn is it to change the potpourri in the bunkhouse?"

9> "Well, men, the Apaches have burned down our fort and stolen
our women... but considering what we've done to THEM, I
think they're showing remarkable self-restraint."

8> "You had me at 'Howdy.'"

7> "Yeah, I'm sure he was an Indian -- his name was
Amandip Gupta."

6> "That's *Sheriff* Richard Simmons to you, pardner."

5> "I cain't go in the saloon! Brown Bart's wearin' the same
shirt I'm a-wearin'!"

4> "They call me... Moesha."

3> "Dadgummit, boys, slow down on that vichyssoise or you ain't
gonna have no room for the tiramisu!"

2> "Three to five day waiting period? But I got a duel at
sundown!"


and Topfive.com's Number 1 Line You'll Never Hear in a Western...


1> "reach 4 the sky! :-O put all ur $$$ in the bag, lol."

April 16, 2003


(Today's list was originally published on May 17, 2001)


The Top 16 Lines You'll Never Hear in a Western
(Part II)


16> "I reckon I'll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist.
IN A DIRTY MUG!"

15> "Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction,
let's draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive
solution."

14> "Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the
little boys' room."

13> "Injuns! Quick, pull the wagons into an irregular dodecagon!"

12> "Y'know, Badlands Pete... a roaring campfire, good coffee,
nice prairie breeze, just you 'n' me... what say we put
on the rhinestone gowns and dance a jig or two?"

11> "Guns? We don't need no stinking guns!"

10> "I'm tellin' ya, I ain't shot no varmints since them PETA
fellers set me straight."

9> "Let's see... hardtack and pemmican... that's three grams of
fat, seven grams of protein, and two starches."

8> "Who let the dogies out?"

7> "You 'n' Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell Cookie
to get started on the gazpacho and the fondue."

6> "That's him! That's the yella-bellied varmint who shot
my therapist!"

5> "He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had
a keen eye for interior decoration."

4> "Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my ass look big?"

3> "Dammit, Jake, yer an enabler!"

2> "It's like I keep tellin' ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone,
women is from Dodge."


and Topfive.com's Number 1 Line You'll Never Hear in a Western...


1> "HANG HIM HIGH, BOYS!! ...Okay, now a little to the left...
Oooh! Stop right there. Perfect!"

it really is a small world, after all...

An elder American absent mindedly arrived at French customs at Paris
airport and fumbled for his passport. "You have been to France before
Monsieur?", the customs officer asked sarcastically. The ancient Yank
admitted that he had been to France before. "Then you should know enough
to have your passport ready for inspection", snapped the irate official.
The American said that the last time he came to France he did not have
to show his passport. "Impossible, old man. You Americans always have to
show your passports on arrival in France." The old American gave the
Frenchman a long hard look. "I assure you, young man, that when I came
ashore on Omaha Beach in Normandy on D Day in 1944, there was no goddam
Frenchman on the beach asking to see my passport!"

===============================================================

Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him
that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in
heaven. Fidel must go to hell.

So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells
him to make himself at home. Then Fidel notices that he left his
luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says, "No hay problema, I'll send
a couple of little devils to get your stuff."

When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked -
St. Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do. Finally
one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall and get the
luggage.

As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel
says to the other, "My God! Fidel has been in hell no more than ten
minutes and we're already getting refugees.!
===============================================================

Bob, a middle-aged Canadian tourist on his first visit
to Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district and
enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be
seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she
sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!
Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain
the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she
sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and
walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking
man has asked for something so outrageous that her
two girls will have nothing to do with him. She
decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola,
will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely
anything would surprise her. So the madam sends
her over to Bob. The sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle
a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers
in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and
smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen
nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel.
She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long
time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a
man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out
what this man wants that has made her girls so angry.
Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a
lesson.

So she goes over to Bob and says tat she's the best in
the house and is available. She sits and talks with him.
They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.

Bob leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I
pay in Canadian currency?"

==============================================================

WHAT SEX ARE THEY??

ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always
see right through them.

SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging
out.

COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.

TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to
light a fire under it and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years,
but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL - female .. Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider
this: it gives men pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he
doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.




------------------------ Yahoo! Groups Sponsor ---------------------~-->

just tried out ms flight sim 2002, and i'm convinced that it must be a bugged version. i mean, how else would you explain the fact that i can't fly a crummy 747 on my first try? ;-p stupid program. what does it think it is, telling me, "too much aileron"? i know how bloody much aileron to use! and turnslip be damned! rudder is for wimps! besides, slipping looks pretty cool from the outside view. :-p

to all the shameless people demanding free meals from me on the grounds that i'm making lots of money without having to do anything more strenuous than pick my nose and wonder how long more i can read magazines before its time to go for my coffee break, well, my zillion pages of notes are folding themselves into cute little origami fingers and saying ( with their artfully crafted origami mouths, of course ) "up yours, jack!"

there are like, tons of checklists i have to memorise, as well as maps and flight paths and procedures and rules and whatnot to learn. did you know you can only climb above 2500' when you're 5Nm away? incidentally, one dood read that as "5 nano-miles" today. don't laugh. i'm sure that's what you thought too. :-p

even though the senior courses are also starting to make noise about our discipline ( shades of hendon! ), this is all nevertheless infinitely better than chiong swaing back at changi.

you know, i don't really know where i'm headed with this. i think i was trying to whine about how hard life is in fts ( only 2 breaks a day, besides lunch! and only 2 hours for sports! simply intolerable! ). uhm. so...feel sorry for me? ;-p

parting shot - an example from my notes on stadard r/t phraseology: "tamworth tower, harrier **, 2 POB, received ( ATIS CODE ), ready for gate west, request 4500".

whatever.

==================================================================
T O P 5 C L A S S I C
Now in chipotle salsa flavor!
==================================================================


February 24, 2003


(Today's list was originally published on March 7, 2001)


The Top 14 Answers from the Magic 8-Ball

13> Al Gore: "Can I trust an 8-Ball to answer all my questions?"
8-Ball: "Hell, yes -- you invented me!"

12> Guilt-ridden, Jewish son of the 8-Ball: "I'm going to play
some Snooker with the fellahs, okay, Ma?"
8-Ball: "Answer hazy -- I'm probably not having a stroke, though.
Enjoy yourself. I'll be fine in the dark by myself."

8> Adam Sandler: "Will I ever be taken seriously as an actor?"
8-Ball: "Gimme a break. Go play with your money, dumbass."

7> Al Gore: "What is Florida orange juice made from and what
should I do in 2004?"
8-Ball: "Concentrate and try again."

6> Santa Claus: "This year, will I get cookies or nookie?"
8-Ball: "Have another Chips Ahoy, Tubby."

5> Robert Downey, Jr.: "Does prison sex involve more cuddling
than it did three months ago?"
8-Ball: "My sources say, 'Bend over, pretty boy.'"

4> Jack Nicholson: "Will Lara Flynn Boyle and I ever get back
together?"
8-Ball: "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!"

3> Kid Rock: "How many minutes of fame do I have left?"
8-Ball: "Let me get you Vanilla Ice's phone number."

2> Britney Spears: "Am I pregnant?"
8-Ball: "Probably, you little slut."


and Topfive.com's Number 1 Answer from the Magic 8-Ball...


1> Dick Cheney: "Will my heart be strong enough to carry me
through the next 4 years?"
8-Ball: "My sources say... BOO!!!"

why don't we ever see ads like that in our buses?

i wonder what nelly is getting from nike? air force ones is just a giant nike ad. plus the entire vid is set in a nike store and shoes and shoeboxes are liberally unashamedly across the duration of the video...haha. more bling bling, eh?

i hope this is working now.

did a lot of admin work today since i was sabohed into being the course admin i/c. the sneaky bastards nominated my name while i was out of the room!

we've been split into two groups now. i'll be leaving on the 2nd of may instead now.

[4/10/2003 7:23:20 PM | Lance John]
walked down to the airbase to be fitted for my flight suit this morning. pretty cool. but for some reason they're all cut pretty long in the crotch. hmmm. perhaps the manufacturer knows something we don't?

got a look at the cool american -15s while we were there too. saw two of their pilots too. don't believe what you see in top gun.

incidentally, i now have a permit to carry a weapon on board the plane to oz. surprising that they'd still let us carry our flick-knife along with us in the current climate. but then again it'll be in the baggage after all...but hey! its still a weapon! so the next time your local qaeda recruiter calls, you know where to point him!
[edit]
[4/10/2003 12:47:00 AM | Lance John]
why??
[edit]

[4/8/2003 10:40:20 PM | Lance John]
why isn't this thing publishing?
[edit]

[4/8/2003 7:16:38 PM | Lance John]
oh yeah. i leave for australia on the 25th, tentatively.

the place is tamworth. that's some town in south-east oz, somewhere around canberra. the accomodation and stuff there sounds pretty decent. certainly beats hendon. free flow of icecream, supposedly. single room with attached bath. heaters! mmmm.
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[4/8/2003 7:04:13 PM | Lance John]
first off i would like to announce how thankful i am to have been transferred to aviation wing, airforce school. this wouldn't have been possible without my parents, and God, and my manager, and i suppose my grandparents too since my parents wouldn't be around without them and my record company and my homies over in da hood ( what up, yo! ) and the good folks over at uhm...ikea. and peanut butter.

right. so now i have a 7.30 to 5 gig going on at paya lebar AB and i can't imagine how the government justifies paying me and my 26 fellow coursemates some $1600 a month for sitting around every day and doing absolutely jack. well perhaps the fact that i'm now considered an officer cadet helps ( just for being a pilot trainee. no officer training at this stage. ).

it is incredibly slack here. two breaks a day, we can buy food from the canteen and minimart and for almost the entire day we're pretty much left to our own devices. we've got our own airconditioned room where we can read, talk, play cards - there's even a risk board. there's even stadium and sport facilities, plus a pool and gym which we can use at certain times. i think we might even be allowed into the bar - duty free alcohol, what! things aren't totally OTOT - we airgraders are still at the bottom of the pecking order and we're supposed to greet the senior cadets and all that but all in all - after hendon, life is bliss.

i must start to exercise though. i just know i'm going to get fat from all the junk food and soft drinks and lack of movement.

i'm also still waiting for some blur cock to mistake my OCT bar and greet me 'Sir'. cheap thrills. :-p
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[4/6/2003 4:28:36 PM | Lance John]
thursday was...eventful. i probably shouldn't say much about what happened. but there is an air of faint ridiculousness how one small incident, albeit huge on stupidity, could have caused so much disruption. namely it screwed up more than an entire day's schedule for some 300+ people. all because of one stupid fool. the guy is probably going to have to sign so many extras, he'll never get out of camp for the rest of his ns life. but he should count himself lucky he's not heading to kranji hotel.
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