not for me the dreadfully prosaic sore throat, or the garden-variety flu - i've got pharyngitis, the throat infection of champions!

the infection which eats laryngitis for breakfast! the malady which kicks sand into the eyes of tonsillitis in the playground-of-throat-viruses!

i must say, my throat seems to be quite adept at picking up all these exotic infections.

The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it. – George Bernard Shaw

i don't know why i still subscribe to reader's digest.
well ok, i do know - the fact that i'm not paying for it. ;-p

but sometimes - make that all the time - the stories it prints are just so feelgood it makes you - or me, anyway - want to puke. naturally this attracts kissyhuggy peaceniks like this schmuck 'george adao' from the philippines who wrote in to rd's "you said it" section ( just call it the forum! like everyone else does! stupid rd! stop trying to empower people! )


"i have read many articles ... blah blah blah ... i'm a schmuck ...

if men and nations only learned to understand and forgive one another, they could settle their differences and rifts amicably. peace wouldn't be that elusive. the devastating effects of war on humankind far outweigh the possible benefits ( if indeed there are any).

happily, the story of ... blah blah blah ... drives home one point: men of all nations are brothers bound by their inherent goodness and love for one another. ... blah blah blah ... naive drivel ..."


schmuck!

i've eaten so much turkey this past week that when i touch a turkey, it gets...turkey-ier.

you know, through osmosis.

RotK spoiler. this time i'm giving fair warning!






attributed to James Green:

What NOT to do while in the theatre when watching "LOTR: Return of the King":

1. Stand up halfway through the movie and yell loudly, "Wait...where the hell is Harry Potter?"
2. Block the entrance to the theater while screaming, "YOU.....SHALL NOT..... PASS!" - After the movie, say "Lucas could have done it better."
3. Play a drinking game where you have to take a sip every time someone says, "the Ring."
4. Point and laugh whenever someone dies.
5. Ask everyone around you if they think Gandalf went to Hogwarts.
6. Finish off every one of Elrond's lines with "Mis..ter Ander-sonnn."
7. When Aragorn is crowned king, stand up and at the top of your lungs sing, "And I did it.... MY way...!"
8. Talk like Gollum all through the movie. At the end, bite off someone's finger and fall down the stairs.
9. Dress up as old ladies and reenact "The Battle of Helms Deep," Monty Python style.
10. When Denethor lights the fire, shout "Barbecue!"
11. In TTT when the Ents decide to march to war, stand up and shout, "RUN FOREST, RUN!"
12. Every time someone kills an Orc, yell: "That's what I'm Tolkien about!" See how long it takes before you get kicked out of the theatre.
13. During a wide shot of a battle, inquire, "Where's Waldo?"
14. Talk loudly about how you heard that there is a single frame of a nude Elf hidden somewhere in the movie.
15. Start an Orc sing-a-long.
16. Come to the premiere dressed as Frankenfurter and wander around looking terribly confused.
17. When they go in the paths of the dead, wait for a tense moment and shout, "I see dead people!"
18. Imitate what you think a conversation between Gollum, Dobby and Yoda would be like.
19. Release a jar of daddy-long-legs into the theater during the Shelob scene.
20. Wonder out loud if Aragorn is going to run for governor of California.
21. When Shelob comes on, exclaim, "Man! Charlotte's really let herself go!"

oh yeah. two more things:

- aragorn, for a king, you sure are dumb! eowyn was practically begging you to give her one and you say no? c'mon, arwen'd never find out! you fool!

- why is there a helipad on top of minas tirith?

thoughts and gripes

1. the movie seems to be a bit heavy on homo-erotic undertones. sam and that whole "mr frodo" bit, merry and pippin - that bit where merry covered pippin with a blanket near the end of the movie was especially gay -, then there was the bit where frodo got captured by the bondage orcs ( why else would they strip him and tie him up? think, man, think,! ).

and don't even get me started on smeagol.

freud would've had a field day with peter jackson, i think.


2. for someone who's supposed to be the biggest, baddest wizard on this side of middle-earth, gandalf doesn't do a whole lot of magic. most of the time, he was charging around with sword and staff like some shaolin master. i mean, come on! the man has got to be at least 70! taking a cue from yoda in attack of the clones?

in fact the only magic he did in RotK was to switch on his naz-gul repellant staff.
which he probably bought at wizards-r-us, anyway.


3. denethor - what, after all that drama he finally sets himself on fire, then instead of dying with some dignity - preferably with some heroic, or at least defiant, last words, like, "i may burn now, but you'll burn in hell forever!" [ did someone already say that? ].

but no. after he lights up like a torch he goes charging out and throws himself off a cliff.
what, suddenly realised that immolating yourself'd hurt?

y'think? huh bitch? y'think?


4. that bit where mordor, for no good reason starts to crumble and collapse? well, how come the entire chunk of ground where the good guys are, stays intact while the ground surrounding them falls into wherever it is computer generated images go when they're not needed any more ( the big server in the sky, maybe? ).

bit too pat, isn't it?


5. that bit after the whole legolas-action-hero sequence where he single-handedly takes down an oliphaunt ( even for a fantasy movie, it's still pushing it, peter jackson. although i'm guessing that 1 minute sequence alone was good for a few extra ten millions of bucks from the 99% of the female population in love with orlando bloom ) and gimli goes, "well, it still only counts as one!" or words to that effect.

go gimli, you rock!


6. eowyn opening a can of whoop-ass on the witch-king - c'mon, two chops and his big bad naz-gul is dead? what, no kick is it?!

then that cheesy one-liner after she lays the smackdown on him? page out of arnie's book, what?


7. anyone else notice that "bilbo" rhymes with "dildo"?

cool, huh!


8. it was a real mistake casting hugo weaving in both the matrix and LotR. everyone keeps thinking "agent smith" whenever he has a scene in LotR.


9. i am not completely insensitive to the fact that not everyone might have watched RotK already. hence, for the sake of those underprivileged few, i am hereby giving warning: WARNING: POST CONTAINS RotK SPOILERS.

:-p


on a more serious note...it doesn't seem like so long ago we were watching fellowship and going, "wow, by the time the the last one comes out, we'll have been in army for a year already." 2 years doesn't seem like such a long time when you've got LotR.