wow, been a long time since i did one of these. wth....



1. What is your name? i don't think i get many strangers visiting...or at least now that i've stopped mentioned h***** c***, anyway.
2. What color underwear are you wearing? none *lascivious grin*
3. What are you listening to right now? 50 cent - pimp
4. What was the last thing you ate? nuts about chocolate icecream.
5. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? uhm. brown, presumably.
6. Where do you plan to go on your honeymoon? some exotic, deserted tropical island. complete with coconut-shell-bikini-clad natives. female natives, mind you. oh wait. honeymoon? bugger. i suppose not, then.
7. How is the weather right now? i'm too lazy to get up and walk the 3 steps to my window so i'm assuming its fine.
8. Last person you talked to on the phone? lanet
9. What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? face lah! ehehehhehehehehehe. *eg*
10. Do you like the person that sent you this? i pirated it off a stranger's blog. and mommy always told me to be wary of strangers. so no. i don't! nyah nyah nyah!
11. How are you today? ok i guess. sleepy right now.
12. Your favorite drink? hmm. nothing in particular, really. depends on what i feel like drinking.
13. Your favorite alcoholic drink? i'm a good boy. swear i've never touched a drop in my life. really! ;-p
14. How do you eat an Oreo? put the whole thing in. my mouth.
15. What's the next CD you're going to get? don't buy them. i am a dirty, unprincipled music pirate. i am the bane of record companies' existences. kiss my music-stealing, record companies!
questions 16 to 19 were deleted by the nasty stranger on the grounds of being inane. *shrug*
20. Favorite month? december, i guess. christmas....then there used to be the school holidays, too...sigh.
21. Favorite food? italian, maybe. but i'm sure i'd be partial to french if i had tried more of it.
22. Last movie you watched? oh god, i don't remember; its been that long since i last watched a movie. but i caught bits of that cheesy flying-piranha flick showing on ch i just now when the ads came on for survivor.
23. Favorite day of the year? a holiday...most any holiday'll do.
24. Are you shy to ask someone out? i guess. but i would, if i liked the person enough.
25. Do you like scary or happy movies better? happy! happy happy happy! fluffy pink bunny wabbits!
26. Summer or winter? spring! of course it would help if i had actually experienced spring before, though...
27. Hugs or Kisses? oh, come now. where's the 'blowjob' option? :-p
28. Relationships or one-night stands? one night stands! here's to staying single, seeing double and sleeping triple! ;-p
29. Chocolate or vanilla? chocolate. definitely.
34. What books are you reading now? errr....nothing?
35. What's on your mouse pad? i am horribly tempted to say, "my mouse" but that would just make you roll your eyes, wouldn't it? so. no, i don't use a mouse pad.
36. Favorite board games? risk!
37. Favorite magazine? uhm. national geographic? studious 'ol me.
38. Favorite smells? leather. *wink*
39. Least favorite smells? that incredibly skanky tekong mud. i never knew mud could smell so bad.
40. Favorite sound? "ohhh, yes, yesss! there! that's the spot! right there! now hang up the other painting."
41. Worst feeling in the world? having to put on wet, smelly clothes.
42. What's the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning? going back to sleep
43. Favorite color? silver?
44. How many rings before you answer the phone? what kind of stupid question is that? do people really count the number of rings before answering? "hmm, let's see. 3 rings? no...too eager. 6 rings? no...too aloof. 4 rings? 5 rings? bugger."
45. Future child's name? betty! lulu! mary!
47. Do you like to drive fast? in daytona?
48. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? i could answer that, but then i'd have to kill you.
49. What's under your bed? 16kg of weights. shoes. sandcans.
50. What is your favourite number? ln 5.

yeah baby. i get a $200 clothing allowance! and since the sum total of my clothing needs is a pair of long johns...woot! more money! and they even let you claim taxi fare to the airport when you leave and return. amd i'll get $21 / day in overseas allowance. pay me pay me pay me rsaf! you go girl!

on the crap side, its now likely we'll be quarantined for 10 days prior to leaving. major bummer. and we'll be quarantined for 10 days upon arriving there, too, so that's at least one weekend burnt. they had better give us compensation! ( <--- to be said in an utterly shameless manner )

today, for the first time in 5 weeks or so, i did some aerobic exercise ( making the distinction here because i went to the gym a few times. i am extremely proud of my discipline. { also to be said shamelessly } ). and i was horrified to find out that my 2.4 timing is now an entire minute slower than when i last did it in bmt. aaargh! and i need to take ippt on the 14th!

went to draw my flying gear as well today. its somewhat disconcerting to realise that everything - flying suit, socks, boots and gloves - is made of fire-retardant material. ( undoubtedly how they justify the $200+ price tag of a flight suit - which is really just a glorified overall. good thing we don't have to pay for the things... ) cheerful thought. also drew a smelly jacket which i shall liberally douse with cologne or something when i summon up the courage to bring it home - i'm sure dry-cleaning won't remove the smell. also included in my gear is a flick knife. quite lethal, except for the fact that its bright orange. c'mon, you could at least camo it? jeez. bright orange. or maybe they expect enemies to keel over laughing at the sight of it.

my grandpappy's words of wisdom:

don't download music videos by niggas. they're all big crowd sscenes, hoes, alcohol and blingbling - once you've seen one, you've seen 'em all.

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i'm bored.

my left eye is all red from my rubbing it. but i couldn't help it; it got irritated all of a sudden. kinda like when something gets under your contacts. except i didn't have my contacts on. since taking out my cornea and washing wasn't exactly a viable solution, i had no choice but to rub it.

happily, i won't need to wake up early tomorrow because i need to be at cmpb at 10am. going to sign my soul away to big brother. for that matter, not just my soul. two of my uncles' too. they've got the dubious honour of being my sureties - should i break my contract, they'll be liable for my last pay x 12 x 7. at least once the 'gahmen squeezes me dry, anyway. which won't take much squeezing, for that matter.

i wonder if i should be celebrating my last hours as an nsf?

for the just about everyone appyling for law ( god knows why ):



* Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!

* Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

* Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

* Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

* Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

* Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

* Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No.
Good!

* Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure?
A: The bucket.

* Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

* Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.

* Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.

* Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand

* Q: Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A: From chasing parked ambulances.

* Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetery

* Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

* Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.

* Q: Why to lawyers wear neckties?
A: To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.

* Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A: When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.

* Q: How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

* Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.

* Q: What do you call an automobile accident between 2 lawyers?
A: A Saab story.

* Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A: A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

* Q: Why did the lawyer cross the road?
A: To sue the chicken on the other side.

* Q: What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
A: Accountants know they're boring.

* Q: What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
A: Skeet.

i fart in your general direction!

your mother was a hamster, and your father smelled of elderberries!

i demand you bring me a....shrubbery!

one of the senior courses had their wet-winching practice today, where they are winched up from the sea by a chopper, then thrown back in.

like an undersize fish in a restricted fishing area.

incredibly bad metaphors aside, this meant that a few of us had to go down to seletar camp to launch the assault boats they were using. i'm not sure what the phrase 'assault boat' brings to your sick, twisted little mind, but i'm assuming its something far more sexy than a vaguely boat-shaped piece of scrap metal. which is what an assault boat basically is. they have them stacked up like scrap cars in a junkyard. and these are what we're going to use to invade malaysia? ;-p j/k

the bastards are heavy, too. carrying them made me -gasp- sweat!!!!! i certainly earned my pay today. ( <--- that last bit is to be said with a totally straight face. )

Final Examination

Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions.
Time limit: 2 hours. Begin immediately.

Computer Science
Write a fifth-generation computer language. Using this language, write a computer program to finish the rest of this exam for you.

Electrical Engineering
You will be placed in a nuclear reactor and given a partial copy of the electrical layout. The electrical system has been tampered with. You have seventeen minutes to find the problem and correct it before the reactor melts down.

History
Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America and Africa. Be brief, concise and specific.

Medicine
You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until you work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes.

Public Speaking
2500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

Biology
Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English Parliamentary System. Prove your thesis.

Music
Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

Psychology
Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisis, Rameses II, Hammuarabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.

Sociology
Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

Mechanical Engineering
The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes, a hungry bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel necessary. Be prepared to justify your decision.

Civil Engineering
This is a practical test of your design and building skills. With the boxes of toothpicks and glue present, build a platform that will support your weight when you and your platform are suspended over a vat of nitric acid.

Chemistry
You must identify a poison sample which you will find at your lab table. All necessary equipment has been provided. There are two beakers at your desk, one of which holds the antidote. If the wrong substance is used, it causes instant death. You may begin as soon as the professor injects you with a sample of the poison. (We feel this will give you an incentive to find the correct answer.)

Economics
Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist Controversy and the Wave Theory of Light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.

Political Science
There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.

Sociology
Estimate the sociological problems which might be associated with the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

Epistemology
Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your stand.

Physics
Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.

Mathematics
Derive the Euler-Cauchy equations using only a straightedge and compass. Discuss in detail the role these equations had on mathematical analysis in Europe during the 1800s.

Philosophy
Sketch the development of human thought. Estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.

Religion
Perform a miracle. Creativity will be judged.

Metaphysics
Describe in detail the probably nature of life after death. Test your hypothesis.

Art
Given one eight-count box of crayons and three sheets of notebook paper, recreate the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Skin tones should be true to life.

General Knowledge
Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

Extra Credit
Define the universe, and give three examples.

50 Fun things to do in a final that does not matter
(i.e. you are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam)

* Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

* Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"

* If it is a maths/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

* Make paper aeroplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.

* Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

* Bring cheerleaders.

* Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all term long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"

* Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at maximum level.

* On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

* Bring pets.

* Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

* Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

* Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

* Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

* Come down with a BAD case of Tourette's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

* Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For maths/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

* Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

* As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

* Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

* Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

* Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

* Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).

* Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

* Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Blow this!" (or words to that effect) and walk out triumphantly.

* Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink).

* Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mummy).

* Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

* Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

* Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.

* Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

* Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of Our Lives is on!!!"

* Bring a water pistol with you. Enough said.

* From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

* Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

* If the exam is maths/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own lifestory.

* Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.

* Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

* Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."

* When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.

* After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

* One word: Wrestlemania.

* Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.

* Try to get people in the room to do a Mexican wave.

* Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

* Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

* Get deliveries of sweets, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

* During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

* Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

* Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".

* Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks"

this sentence has cabbage six words.

Conscious self	Overall self

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the 'overall self' bit is mostly untrue, the dirty liars.