August 4, 2003

(Today's list was originally published on September 4, 2001)


The Top 16 Sex Lessons We Can Learn From Movies


16> If Anthony Michael Hall can get some, there's hope for
ALL of us.

15> Inadvertent sex noises are as nonexistent as urinals on the
Enterprise.

14> Women are like busses: there's always another one on the
way. Also, their superstructures are usually made of some
rock-hard, no-bounce substance that guarantees uniformity
and brand recognition.

13> Women at bars? Always stunningly attractive and conveniently
easy!

12> Fortunately for our future scientists, hot Swedish exchange
students *always* want to make it with the class nerd.

11> Size *does* matter -- even more so when he's a sixty-foot-tall
ape.

10> No matter how much a woman hates you, planting an unexpected
but good strong kiss will make her yours for life!

9> The sexiest man is ALWAYS attracted to the drag queen.

8> You get to keep your bra on during intercourse only if you're
getting a percentage of the gross.

7> If a woman doesn't reach orgasm within 15 seconds, you're
DOING IT WRONG!!

6> "Condoms" are devices used for one purpose only -- to
embarrass teenagers who venture into the local drug store
to buy them.

5> Dudley Moore is *exactly* the sort of guy that a buxom
young hottie would want to have sex with.

4> Seriously, all your friends' moms are hot for you!

3> Women first try to kill James Bond, then end up having sex
with him. In real life, women rarely get past that first
stage.

2> Women aren't concerned about looking fat, even when you
sensuously feed them the entire contents of a Frigidaire.


and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sex Lesson We Can Learn From Movies...


1> If you decide to have sex with a pastry, lock the door.

auto-erotic asphyxiation meets doggy-style!
holy man my ass...

see, so i use iMesh - a napster clone. and i share everything in the "my stuff" folder on my hard drive. which, surprisingly enough, holds all, uhm, my stuff. music, movies, tv, pictures etc.

'etc' includes documents.
which includes homework from jc. ( i'm a packrat. who knows when a powerpoint presentation on line spectra might come in handy? )

and i just noticed someone downloaded one of my essays on international trade.

i could understand if i labelled my homework, like, j3nnAjAmesOnNUDE!!!!.jpg or something. you, know, like how people name their real j3nnAjAmesOnNUDE!!!!.jpg-type files as geographypresentation.ppt or something.

only my essay was - rather unambiguosly ( i know that isn't spelt right but i can't be bothered to use the spell-check function blogger has so conveniently put a few inches above my cursor even though i could have corrected that typo in a fraction of the time i've spent typing this out. ) - named "econsessayQ29.doc".

my first step towards fame!

unless he was looking for pr0n. err.

that's Professor to you, punk!

You are The Cap'n!

Some men are born great, some achieve greatness and some slit the throats of any man that stands between them and the mantle of power. You never met a man you couldn't eviscerate. Not that mindless violence is the only avenue open to you - but why take an avenue when you have complete freeway access? You are the definitive Man of Action. You are James Bond in a blousy shirt and drawstring-fly pants. Your swash was buckled long ago and you have never been so sure of anything in your life as in your ability to bend everyone to your will. You will call anyone out and cut off their head if they show any sign of taking you on or backing down. You cannot be saddled with tedious underlings, but if one of your lieutenants shows an overly developed sense of ambition he may find more suitable accommodations in Davy Jones' locker. That is, of course, IF you notice him. You tend to be self absorbed - a weakness that may keep you from seeing enemies where they are and imagining them where they are not.

What's Yer Inner Pirate?
brought to you by The Official Talk Like A Pirate Web Site. Arrrrr!

September 19, 2003

NOTE FROM CHRIS:

Today, September 19, is "Talk Like a Pirate Day."

Seriously! Check it out:
http://www.talklikeapirate.com

Always socially conscious, we here at TopFive thought
we'd help out by offering you a nice long list of
pirate-like things you can say around your workplace.


Excerpts from today's list:

The Top 25 Things to Say at Work on Talk Like a Pirate Day


24> "Hop to it, dogs: Thar be leftover catering booty in the break
room for plunderin'."

20> "Arrr, matey, have your parrot call my parrot and we'll
one day partake of noontime grub together."

15> "Be that a peg leg, or arrr ye just happy to cast yer eyes
upon me?"

10> "Ye bent my ear with yer lubberly questions WITHOUT tryin'
a reboot first? Arrr! It's the plank for you, ye mangy
cur... and thank ye for calling Microsoft Tech Support!"

6> "Aye, if it's a large treasure chest and amazin' booty ye
seek, fix yer gaze upon the receptionist."

2> "Avast, ye demon copy machine! Taste the wrath of my arse!"